FUNNYJOKESANDPICS

There's always an idiot who ruins a good photo :-)!

2011-08-17T04:06:00.000-07:00

PERFECT HUSBAND!

2011-06-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the store now and I found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Then make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Cardiologist's Funeral

2011-06-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

Just about then, the proctologist fainted.

A Mere Male's Attempt to Understand Women!

2011-04-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

MORE INTERESTING PICS [2]

2010-12-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

SOME INTERESTING PICS [1]

2010-12-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

HOW TO WASH A CAT

2010-12-16T01:41:00.000-08:00

This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

BAPTIST CAT

2010-12-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the
open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that
before he joined my church."

The Third Person in History to Walk on Water

2010-12-12T14:53:00.000-08:00

(First was Jesus

Then his disciple Peter)

Wireless Technology

2010-11-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

ANGER MANAGEMENT

2010-09-11T00:58:00.000-07:00

GOODBYE MOM

2010-08-26T03:42:00.000-07:00

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store,the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. 

Don't trust little old ladies!!!

Gay Marriage

2010-08-15T21:47:00.001-07:00

CHINESE EYE TEST

2010-06-04T03:35:00.000-07:00

Chinese eye test 


If you cannot decipher anything, then try  pulling 
the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.
It works

SPEED LIMIT

2010-05-12T23:28:00.001-07:00

HONK OR TEXT

2010-05-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

ATHEISTS DO NOT EXIST

2010-05-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

MARKETING TRICK

2010-04-23T19:28:00.001-07:00

AUSSIE BUSH ETIQUETTE

2010-04-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

*In General:*

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

*Dining Out:*

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

*Entertaining in Your Home:*

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

*Personal Hygiene:*

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

*Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:*

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

*Weddings:*

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cumber-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

*Driving Etiquette:*

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

IRISH MILLIONAIRE

2010-04-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question..... will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" 

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? 
                         
                        a) Sparrow

                        b) Thrush,

                        c) Magpie,

                        d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, 'So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin." 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 

"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?" 

"I'm  sure." 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit cuckoo as my answer." 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. 

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" 

"Because he lives in a clock!"

IS THIS THE BEST WAY FOR SOMEONE LIKE THIS TO DRESS?

2010-04-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

'GRANDPA, GRANDPA...!'

2010-01-14T22:22:00.000-08:00

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

THE WIERDEST PHOBIA...

2009-12-29T14:46:00.000-08:00

Symptoms of Anatidaephobia can include:

* A Dry Mouth
* Gasping or Shortness of Breath
* Muscle Tension
* Overall Trembling
* Hyperventilation
* Feeling Out of Control
* Feeling Trapped and Unable to Escape
* Overwhelming Feeling of Impending Disaster

What is it, you ask? Fear of being watched by a duck!.
More... http://tinyurl.com/yk6edqo

NECK EXERCISES FOR COMPUTER ADDICTS

2009-12-19T02:16:00.001-08:00

VACATION

2009-12-16T15:28:00.001-08:00

ABBOTT & COSTELLO & COMPUTERS

2009-11-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'......

BEACH BALL GOAL

2009-10-18T15:25:00.001-07:00

Darren Bent of Sunderland watches as his shot goes between Glen Johnson and Pepe Reina of Liverpool and in to the goal off a beach ball, during the English Premier League match at the Stadium of Light on October 17, 2009.

ANYONE HERE FROM MINNESOTA?

2009-10-03T04:22:00.001-07:00

HOPE

2009-10-03T04:16:00.000-07:00

Down the road from No One Gets Out Alive Presbyterian, around the corner from Whatever Wesleyan, and across the road from Our Lady of Perpetual Superiority...

TEAMWORK

2009-10-03T04:14:00.000-07:00

LET US BAN FOX HUNTING!

2009-09-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

G'DAY FROM THE LANDDOWNUNDER!

2009-08-30T03:09:00.001-07:00

HEY PASTOR

2009-08-10T17:02:00.000-07:00

SIGN ON CHURCH NOTICE-BOARD

2009-08-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

WHO'S ON FIRST?

2009-07-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

CALL CENTRE CONVERSATIONS

2009-06-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

GOLF STORIES

2009-06-05T02:39:00.000-07:00

Golf Stories

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

-----------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

----------- ------- ------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

----------------------------- -

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

BALLOON MISSILES

2009-05-19T02:02:00.000-07:00

THE ULTIMATE IN GETTING ATTENTION WHEN DRIVING!

Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate...............

Step 1. Create missile-shaped balloons
Step 2. Tie balloons to car.
Step 3. Drive like a bat out of a hell!
Step 4. Watch people freak out!!!!

FUNNY COMMERCIAL

2009-05-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2026208/very_funny_commercial/

HAPPY EASTER!

2009-05-17T03:34:00.000-07:00

CHURCH SIGN

2009-05-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

THREE-DAY PASS

2009-05-16T04:21:00.000-07:00

See

http://digedag.di.ohost.de/fun/vehicles/slides/tank+driving+exercise.html

HAVE A LAUGH WITH DONALD DUCK!

2009-04-20T19:39:00.001-07:00

YOUR TIME IS COMING!

2009-03-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

SPEEDY AUTUMN/FALL

2009-03-08T14:47:00.001-07:00

GOT A FEW THINGS TO DO TODAY!

2009-03-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

INCREDIBLE TALENT!

2009-02-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

Terry Fator:

DOH!

2009-02-12T01:07:00.000-08:00

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ A Christmas sign outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

~ A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering.

~ A farmer is a man who is outstanding in his field.

~ A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your
shine.

~ A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 10 kids but doesn't really care.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

~ A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "Alright, but we're not going to get much done."

~ A person's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

~ A rock store was closed by the police. They were taking too much for granite.

~ A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class as a weapon of math disruption.

~ A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large.

~ A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

~ A three-year-old to his father: "Is a reindeer a horse with a TV antenna on his head?"

~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."

~ Be yourself...who else is better qualified?

~ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

~ Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

~ Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

~ Develop "the velvet hammer" by learning to say hard things in a soft way.

~ Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

~ Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.

~ Disney World: A people-trap operated by a mouse.

~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

~ Do those same "Slow Children at Play" grow up to be the "Slow Men at Work"?

~ Does fuzzy logic tickle?

~ Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

~ Does your train of thought have a caboose?

~ Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

~ Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

~ Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.

~ Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.

~ Don't learn safety rules simply by accident.

~ Don't play stupid with me. I always win.

~ Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

~ Don't take life so seriously...it's not permanent.

~ Don't worry what people think of you. They seldom do...

~ Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve.

~ Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.

~ Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.

~ Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

~ Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

~ Everyone is on this low-fat craze now. The Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.

~ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

~ First things first! But not necessarily in that order.

~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

~ Fools rush in...and get all the best seats.

~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

~ For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.

~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

~ Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

~ Give so much time to the improvement of yourself you have no time to
criticize others.

~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

~ How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

~ I saw that TV show "50 Things To Do Before You Die." I would have thought the obvious one was "shout for help."

~ I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

~ I was always taught, "You become what you eat." So I only eat rich foods. I'm still waiting...

~ I wonder how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make me gain 5 lbs ... ?!

~ If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.

~ If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

~ If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

~ If I vow to avoid poison ivy, am I making a rash promise?

~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

~ If you are not content with what you have, you'll never be content with what you want.

~ If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

~ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

~ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's our Count that votes.

~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

~ It is in the desert of Sinai that you find the mountain of God.

~ Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.

~ Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

~ Never confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.

~ No matter how far you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

~ Nobody talks so consistently about God as those who insist that there is no God.

~ Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

~ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

~ Q: Why is one side of the V geese make always shorter than the other? A: There are fewer geese in it. Duh.

~ Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are.

~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

~ Sign in Produce Dept: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll!

~ Success comes in cans; failure comes in can'ts.

~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

~ The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

~ The cynic and the optimist both think they are observing reality.

~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

~ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

~ The more you have, the less likely it is to be enough.

~ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

~ The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

~ These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

~ This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.

~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

~ Trouble is inevitable, misery is optional.

~ Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a-head."

~ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

~ What flies and goes "OH OH OH!"? Santa flying backwards.

~ What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

~ When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

~ When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

~ When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.

~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Where there is no wonder there is no worship.

~ Why do the Alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

~ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

~ Why is a person that handles your money called a "broker"?

~ Woman to stock boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No ma'am, they're dead"

~ Women who behave rarely make history.

~ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

BIBLE/CHRISTIAN FUNNIES

2009-02-08T01:20:00.000-08:00

A SHAMEFUL EVICTION

2009-01-29T01:07:00.001-08:00

HISTORY LESSON - 44 U.S. PRESIDENTS

2009-01-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

A TRIBUTE TO MOTHERS!

2009-01-27T02:28:00.000-08:00

MY DARLING HUSBAND

2009-01-23T22:56:00.000-08:00

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park , and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

PACHELBEL RANT

2009-01-18T23:19:00.000-08:00

This performance was viewed 6 million times last time I checked!

VARIOUS IMAGES TO MAKE ONE THINK!

2009-01-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

SANTA TRAVELS BY PLANE

2009-01-16T21:42:00.001-08:00

SMILE!

2009-01-11T21:27:00.001-08:00

(If I can figure out how to make this larger, it depicts two people who grow to be like each other as they grow older: sent to me via Facebook, on our 49th wedding anniversary!)

2008 Darwin Awards: do you laugh or cry?

2009-01-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

2008 Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further
ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the
window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope's; Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle.

He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by
two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of
animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes
before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground
where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to
evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of
those freak accidents that proves... 'S___ happens'.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL...
--

I have been informed by those knowledgeable re Darwin awards, that this is an old list.

See here for the 2008 version.

The winner there:

The Balloon Priest
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil)

In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his comfortable Sears lawn chair, packed a picnic and a , and cut the tether. But instead of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined lift of 45 huge helium balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the "flight."

In homage to Larry's aerial adventure, a Catholic priest recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.

Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!

Reader rHart says, "The term 'Double Darwin' rolls trippingly off the tongue."

Note from Darwin: "A hot air balloon is maneuvered by altering altitude. The wind direction changes, generally toward the right, as one ascends in the northern hemisphere. A skillful pilot uses altitude to shift the downwind track. (airborneballoons.co.uk) By comparison, a mass of individual balloons is completely at the mercy of the wind."

Happy New Year!
Rowland Croucher
More humour here

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2008-12-24T02:52:00.001-08:00

http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf

CARTOONS TO MAKE ONE THINK!

2008-12-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

DOGS - OUR BEST FRIENDS!

2008-12-02T01:28:00.000-08:00

OLD FOLKS' HUMOR

2008-12-02T01:25:00.000-08:00

TIME FOR A LAUGH!

2008-11-25T03:22:00.000-08:00

(Thanks to Comedy Barn Theater Pig)

SPANKING CHILDREN

2008-11-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

Most of the world's people think it improper to spank children.

The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about methods used to discipline children.

We talked about 'time outs', grounding, holding back 'rewards' until the child displayed desired behaviour etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and my friend explained that no, he does not spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the family's concept of acceptable behaviour.

He kindly provided a picture of the process which I share with you now.

*****************************

DEATH WISH

2008-11-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

TOM THE BAPTIST

2008-11-14T18:52:00.000-08:00

Tommy's Mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Tommy baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, 'Tommy, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'

Tommy looked up at her and said, 'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.'

FREE RIDES

2008-11-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

OBAMA THINKS!

2008-11-10T23:44:00.001-08:00

MICHAEL LEUNIG'S CARTOON AFTER BARACK OBAMA'S ELECTION

2008-11-08T01:39:00.001-08:00

IF YOU THINK MY PREACHING'S BAD, TRY MY JOKES!

2008-10-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

If You Think My Preaching's Bad, Try My Jokes, David Pytches, Monarch Books, 2008.

I remember visiting both Churches-of-England in Chorleywood, an outer London suburb. One was pastored by a Bishop (Peru, Chile, Bolivia) whose theology was 'Charismatic'. The other church was Evangelical.

This collection of quips, jokes, and funny stories has been collected by David Pytches (how does one get a surname like that?) - the charismatic pastor. I don't remember anything funny happening the couple of times I spoke at the other church, except that some of my own jokes possibly fell flat among those serious people. (I take comfort in these situations from the old quatrain: Sometimes I wish I were Adam./ Whatever problems he may have had in days of yore,/When he cracked a joke no one could say,/ "I've heard that one before".)

Anyway, these are serious jokes, which don't, writes David in the Introduction, seriously offend. But within the first couple of dozen he's offended politicians, Australians, the French, the Irish - and even the English. (That's the one about two Englishmen on a desert island who don't talk to one another because they've not been introduced).

Possibly the easiest way for an Englishman to offend Australians is to re-hash the one attributed to the NZ PM David Lange (the Kiwis love it: I've heard it every time I've been there): 'When a reporter asked a former Prime Minister of New Zealand, David Lange, if he was concerned about the exodus of so many New Zealanders to Australia, the ex-PM responded, "Not at all. I think it's bound to raise the IQ of both countries".' And of course, there's also the one about the 'high standards of Australians [being] due to the fact that their ancestors were all hand-picked by the best English judges.'

The attempt to offend U.S. President George Bush (he doesn't say which one - presumably Dubya) - was with this wisecrack attributed to him: 'My opponent has a problem. He won't get elected unless things get worse - and things won't get worse unless he's elected.' (Aren't presidents lucky having cleverer speech-writers?).

Here's an oft-quoted one about committees: 'A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but together decide that nothing can be done.'

I'm constantly amazed at the quick-wittedness of politicians like Winston Churchill (and our own R G Menzies). Here are two of the best from Churchill: 'He occasionally stumbles over the truth but he always hastily picks himself up and hurries on as if nothing had happened'; and '[Charles de Gaulle] looked like a female llama surprised in her bath'. And if you don't like a certain Irishman, you'll like this: 'If the word "No" was removed from the English language, Ian Paisley would be speechless'. (These days, fortunately, he makes speeches without using the word-comprising-the-middle-two-letters-of-the-alphabet).

There are some jokes - and a few clever allusions - to sex, which is apparently sometimes funny, even for the British. Like: 'The English have sex on the brain - which is a frightfully uncomfortable place to have it' (Malcolm Muggeridge).

I've collected - as of today - 4592 funny jokes and stories (see here and/or here), but many of David's I've never heard before. Buy this book for someone you're close to so that you can borrow it to read on holidays, then bore people with a few of them forever after.

Rowland Croucher

October 2008.

CREDIT CRUNCH BEGINS TO BITE BRITAIN

2008-10-30T15:58:00.001-07:00

THE DANCE!

2008-10-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

Obama Roasts McCain at Al Smith Dinner

2008-10-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

OOPS!

2008-10-18T03:51:00.001-07:00

The plan was to erect a decommisioned Tornado on a plinth as a memorial

HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE STOCK-MARKET

2008-10-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man, nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works. (Tony Scott, on Crikey.com).

I'M STUCK ON YOU!

2008-09-26T04:15:00.000-07:00

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/SOY.htm

OR

http://tinyurl.com/5ftl9b

WHY?

2008-09-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to
check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not in a sale?

Why do people constantly return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a piece of cotton a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead insects get into those enclosed light fittings?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping trolly then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're ok, then it's you.

WINNER OF 'NOT MY JOB' AWARD

2008-09-04T04:58:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY... WOULD YOU QUIT DRINKING IF YOU SAW THIS?

2008-08-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

UH...OH... THIS COULD BE YOU!

2008-08-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

HYDROFOIL

2008-08-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

After flipping his hydrofoil, Jesus quickly leaves the scene before his Father finds out!

CLASSROOM FUN

2008-07-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

Kids Are Quick____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... ;'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

--

Shalom/Salaam/Pax!
Rowland Croucher

SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, MOSTLY TRITE!

2008-07-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

"A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!' His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, 'I do know!' 'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?' 'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk. 'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

========

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?' A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!'
said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many car s
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, the Comforter is coming.'

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. 'Here's a copy of the service,'
he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances. During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.' At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!

--

More... Church Bulletin Bloopers

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/ (20,000 articles 4000 humor)

Blogs - http://rowlandsblogs.blogspot.com/

Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

Funny Jokes and Pics - http://funnyjokesnpics.blogspot.com/

HAPPY FROG & POPULAR HUMOUR

2008-06-25T05:02:00.000-07:00

For some reason, out of 4,500 humorous articles on our website, these always see over 1,000 unique visitors reading them each month:

Interesting Questions - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/7222.htm

If You Love Something - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/7729.htm

50 Fun Things to do in a Mall - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/6333.htm

TOUGH LOVE

2008-06-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

Tough Love vs Spanking

Make sure you view the photo attached below

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
Your Friend

A CATHOLIC TALE

2008-06-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago a priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!'

So, I did..........

I won't be at Mass this week!!

(See pics below)

WATER-FUELED CAR

2008-06-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

(The cynic in me says 'Let's wait until the oil cartels put a stop to this!)

NEVER 'PASS WIND' IN A WETSUIT!

2008-06-14T03:38:00.001-07:00

TIGER 'CUBS'

2008-06-13T04:10:00.000-07:00

In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet
tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs
were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after
birth.

The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to
decline in health,
although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of
her litter had caused
the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the
tigress could surrogate
another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news
was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the
mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never
been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will
take on the care of a different species.
The only orphans' that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling
pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed
the babies around the mother tiger.
Would they become cubs or pork chops? Take a look...you won't believe your
eyes!!

DON'T MESS WITH THESE WOMEN!!!!

2008-06-12T04:04:00.001-07:00

Orright... if you don't want to be like them you could choose to build this sort of figure:

TWO CATS ON A TREADMILL

2008-06-04T03:46:00.000-07:00

CEILING MURAL IN SMOKER'S LOUNGE

2008-06-04T03:01:00.000-07:00

CLEVER ADVERTISEMENTS

2008-06-03T22:24:00.001-07:00

MY FAVORITE STORY

2008-06-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

WATERBEDS

2008-05-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

AMAZING ELEPHANT PAINTER!

2008-05-16T05:42:00.000-07:00

AMAZING SPORTING FEATS

2008-05-16T02:01:00.000-07:00

I enjoy watching any top-class sporting achievments. Here's the most amazing rugby league try I've ever seen (and was privileged to see it 'live' on TV as it was played - between Australia and N.Z.)

CREATIVE CYCLE PARKING

2008-05-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

ODD AND INTERESTING PICS

2008-05-12T23:47:00.001-07:00