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LETTER OF THE DAY

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YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME: I'M RICH!

I normally wouldn't put something about Paris Hilton on this Blog, but there's some nice humor/lessons here!




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'SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!'

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she's gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

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SEE... IT'S TRUE

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ART THIEF IN PARIS

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After carefully planning he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet To
buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this here!)


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ENGLAND IN THE 1500s

Some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they
took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of
flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a
bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot
water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you
could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the
baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled
high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling
into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and
other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big
posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had
something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they
spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the
winter wore on! , they a dded more thresh until when you opened the door
it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen
with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the
fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not
get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in
the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made
them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up
their bacon to show it off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could
"bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food
with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so
for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers
got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them
for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if
they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks
started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up
coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse,
lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it
to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
"graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved
by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that
History was boring ! ! !

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ROWAN ATKINSON'S JESUS

If you're a Jesus-follower, you're allowed to laugh sometimes.. Jesus enjoyed parties, but his followers need to lighten up a little... Let's laugh along with Rowan Atkinson:



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COMPUTER PROBLEM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down. I D 1 0 T. I used to like Harold...

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Also see PEBCAC (Problem Exists Between Chair And Computer) and PICNIC (Problem In Chair Not In Computer).



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RICH MAN GOES TO HEAVEN...

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"

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ANIMATION

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DEAR SIR...

(One of the funniest stories of the modern era)...

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!

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MY WISH FOR YOU

WISHING YOU - IN YOUR BUSY
LIFESTYLE SOME TIME FOR RELAXATION
& REFLECTION

GOOD SLEEP

GOOD HEALTH WITH EXERCISE

AN ABUNDANT AND HEALTHY FOOD SUPPLY



RELAXATION



AN INQUISITIVE IMAGINATION


SOMEONE TO DANCE WITH


A BIT OF ADVENTURE


GOOD LOOKS


BUT MOST OF ALL
I WISH YOU
LOTS OF BEAR HUGS


AND THE BLISS OF REAL LOVE


BUT WATCH OUT FOR THOSE NAUGHTY PENGUINS



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RELIGIOUS FUNNIES

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NOAH'S GOTTA PROBLEM

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BIRTH OF JAPANESE BABY

Anyone over 24 is not advised to watch this!



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MOBILE

(This one keeps coming back :-)

Be careful where you leave your mobile/cell phone...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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WEIGHTWATCHER

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AWARD-WINNING LAWYER STORY

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON!

Stay with me now :-)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the Criminal Lawyers' Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

Footnote: What a pity it's a concocted story... (http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp)

You can enjoy it on the grounds of its creativity!

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IRACK - THE LATEST FROM APPLE

http://www.glumbert.com/media/irack

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