Thursday, December 16, 2010

HOW TO WASH A CAT

This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Yours Sincerely,


The Dog


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

BAPTIST CAT


Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the
open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that
before he joined my church."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

GOODBYE MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store,the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. 

Don't trust little old ladies!!! 

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010

CHINESE EYE TEST

Chinese eye test 

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese. It works

Friday, April 23, 2010

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

AUSSIE BUSH ETIQUETTE

*In General:*

    1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
    2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 
    3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

    *Dining Out:*

    1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    *Entertaining in Your Home:*

    1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
    2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    *Personal Hygiene:*

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
    3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    *Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:*

    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
    2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

    *Weddings:*

    1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cumber-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
    3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    *Driving Etiquette:*

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
    2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the  right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

IRISH MILLIONAIRE



Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. 
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. 
Everything is riding on this question..... will you go for it?" 
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" 

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? 
                         
                        a) Sparrow

                        b) Thrush,

                        c) Magpie,

                        d) Cuckoo?" 
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, 'So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin." 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 

"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... It's a cuckoo." 
"Are you sure?" 

"I'm  sure." 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit cuckoo as my answer." 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. 

"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" 

"Because he lives in a clock!"


Thursday, January 14, 2010

'GRANDPA, GRANDPA...!'


THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"