ONE-LINERS

"A Compendium Of Puntifications"

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.


More one-liners here

SCOTTISH DENTIST

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."

"Ochh-man , now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

More humour...

AMSTERDAM KEEPY UPPY

IF ALLAH HAD CREATED ADAM AND EVE...

[CARTOON REMOVED: OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS OFFENSIVE TO PERSONS OF A PARTICULAR RELIGION, WHO MUST HAVE COMPLAINED TO GOOGLE, WHO PUT TWO 'HOLDS' ON THIS BLOG].

DEAR FRIENDS,

PLEASE COMMENT: IS THIS IN POOR TASTE, OR SHOULD HUMOUR/HUMOR/CARTOONS BE FREE TO TARGET BLONDES, CHRISTIANS, MUSLIMS... WHOEVER?

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT GIVING YOUR REASONS (NO SPAM OR ADVERTISING PLEASE). THANKS.

THE IRISH ARE SMART

These men are installing steel bollards to stop cars parking on the pavement outside an Irish sports bar.

How long do you think it will be before they realise?

THE CHASERS' APEC SKIT

NON-NEWTONIAN FLUID

See the Wikipedia article on the subject for more!

4,000 more funnies here

AIRLINE QUOTES

I've flown on North American airlines where such things - and better/worse - are said. Never the British, or European, or Australian, certainly not Asian...

Rowland.

¬¬¬

AIRLINE QUOTES:

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in- flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

******

On landing the stewardess said,

"Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

******

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

******

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

******

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

******

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

******

From a Southwest Airlines employee:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

******

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

******

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

******

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

******

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

******

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

******

And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

******

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,

"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

******

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

******

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

******

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

******

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

******

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

More crazy humor here...

WHAT OLD PEOPLE DO FOR FUN!

FISHING IN NEW ZEALAND

MENSA

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker.."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

A MECHANIC AND HIS DOG

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out loudly, proclaiming...

(Are you ready for this?)

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

*****

Because you've been so patient, here's a nice picture for you:



===>>> 4000 MORE STUPID JOKES HERE

NAMELESS HURRICANE

Nameless Hurricane That Much More Terrifying

September 3, 2007

MIAMI—South Florida residents were overcome with fear, confusion, and an unnerving sense of dread Tuesday when they learned that an unidentified hurricane is heading for their area—its origin uncertain, its intentions unclear, and perhaps most frightening, its name unknown.

The vacant eye of the unnamed storm fixes its baleful stare on the Florida peninsula.

"Who is this hurricane?" said Miami resident Beverly Motolla, just one of hundreds of thousands of citizens struggling to put a human face on this impending tragedy. "Why is it here? What does it want from us?"

Such questions remain agonizingly unanswered, as the anonymous storm front shows no signs of slowing down or divulging its background. Lacking any reliable information on the character traits of the popularly dubbed "Hurricane That Shall Not Be Named," thousands have fled the area, hoping to escape its destructive winds, driving rain, and chilling impersonality.

"If this hurricane were a Wilma or a Frank, or even a Rebekah, I'd at least know what to expect—a storm system with a low pressure center, sustained winds above 119 miles per hour, high gusts, and severe inland flooding," said Stewart Tomlinson, a Miami-area police officer who plans to drive his family north to Georgia on Wednesday. "But I don't even know if this hurricane is a boy or a girl. And frankly, that scares me."

"I don't want this…thing…coming anywhere near me or my family," Tomlinson added.
Enlarge Image Nameless Hurricane Jump

Whatever the coming storm's true name, Floridians, like these evacuating Pompano Beach residents, are praying it will not exceed in severity the infamous Hurricane !!! of 1983.

Those who have decided to stay home and brave the imminent storm have reported incidents of raindrops rapping on their windowpanes with a sinister, relentless urgency; drops in barometric pressure so sudden they could freeze a man's soul; and, in the words of one Coral Springs body shop owner, "the kind of heartless devastation that could only be wreaked by an unfeeling tropical cyclone that doesn't even have the decency to introduce itself."

"I heard that the hurricane killed 620 Guatemalans last week in cold blood," Mark Barclay of Sweetwater said. "And that it didn't even care."

Though the hurricane is predicted to cause widespread destruction, many say it brings something even more dangerous than a 10-foot storm tide and rapidly contracting eyewall: the element of the unknown.

"You can tell a lot about a hurricane by its name—that's why they have names," Surfside resident Brenda Harrison said. "Mitch, strong and unpredictable. Katrina, devious and vengeful. Bob, good guy, just passing through. But this hurricane could be anything. It could be a gentle mist, or it could be the worst natural disaster in the history of mankind. It could strike anytime, and it could be anywhere…even right behind you. Also, what if it doesn't even have an eye?"
Nameless Hurricane Pullquot

"For the love of Jesus, at least just give us a first initial."

Kimberly Mellor,
Opa-locka, FL

"When the big hurricane struck Florida in 1998, I was scared until I found out its name was Earl," Panama City, FL citizen Sam Hewer said. "I went to high school with a guy named Earl. He was a little wild, but ultimately harmless. In fact, we used to make fun of him. So when the storm hit and destroyed my house, it didn't seem so bad. It was like, 'Oh, there goes Earl again.'"

As the storm approaches the coast, citizens have been speculating as to its identity. Many claim that the hurricane's erratic changes in course and spiral rainbands make it seem like a Dave. Still others suspect that it might be Hurricane Andrew in disguise, returning to finish what it started in 1992.

Also on Tuesday, the National Weather Service issued a statement in which it rejected calls to name the hurricane, describing such an action as "impossible."

"We've monitored, studied, and examined this hurricane in the two weeks since it appeared seemingly out of nowhere on our radar, and it simply has no name," NWS acting director Mary Glackin said. "If it had one, we'd be using it. It's not like we can just make up a name."

When asked if he could identify the storm, veteran WTVJ meteorologist Cal Valencia threw back his head and laughed scornfully.

"Fools! Be glad you don't know this hurricane's true name!" Valencia said. "It may be the sole mercy we are shown during this coming ordeal. Savor it! For in a day's time, you will be pining for your lost ignorance as a drowning man for oxygen."

One Miami-Dade citizen, however, has decided to take matters into his own hands.

"For my wife and children's sake, I've decided to tell them it's named Bradley," said Jackson Graham, a local carpenter who claims he cannot bear to tell his family the horrible truth. "Hurricane Bradley. God, I hope that doesn't make it angrier."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nameless_hurricane_that_much_more

GOD AND THE POST OFFICE

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely yours
Edna.

WATCH THE MIDDLE-AGED GUY!

LETTER OF THE DAY