ANOTHER AMAZING JUGGLER

DAYLIGHT SAVING

COMPUTERS ANYWHERE

COMEBACK

A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line...

Visit http://jmm.aaa.net.au/ (20,000 articles 4000 humor)

INCREDIBLE DANCING COCKATOO

FUNNY CAT VIDEO

GODTUBE'S FAMOUS LITTLE GIRL

WHY I WAS FIRED...

For the last departmental picnic, management decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups... ... (see below)

ETHAN THE 6-YEAR-OLD PIANIST!

BLONDE AND CHIMPS

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World.'

Much more humor here...

BLONDE MORTICIAN

“ A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. The widow feels that her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants.

"I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, that fits perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events: Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of The cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

More Humor/Humour

MORE PUNS ETC.

Evidence has emerged that William Tell's family were avid bowlers. However, since a fire destroyed all the old Swiss league records, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a doctor's clinic, shouting, "Help me! I think I'm shrinking!!" The receptionist calmly replied: "The doctor's busy. Please be a little patient!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, he returned to check the chief's progress. The chief shrugged and said: "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

An Apache chief had three wives. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys, which proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies, assisted by a tribal medicine man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the bruja reassured him: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

You have tomorrow to recover

More puns...

MAKES NO DIFFERENCE

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," Ozymandias protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

In reply, Croesus softly began to sing: "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
--
Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/ (20,000 articles 4000 humor)

A FISHY STORY

A guy who lives at Lake Conroe (50 miles north of Houston), saw a ball bouncing around strangely in the lake, and went to investigate.

It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a basketball, which had become stuck in its mouth!!

The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface.

The guy tried numerous times to get the ball out but was unsuccessful.

He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish.

You probably wouldn't have believed this, if you hadn't seen the following pictures...







More fishy stories...

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out fishing at their favourite fishing spot, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,

"You better think it over mate - women like that are hard to find."

--
Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/ (20,000 articles 4000 humor)
Blogs - http://rowlandsblogs.blogspot.com/