WHY?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to
check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not in a sale?

Why do people constantly return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a piece of cotton a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead insects get into those enclosed light fittings?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping trolly then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're ok, then it's you.

WINNER OF 'NOT MY JOB' AWARD

SERIOUSLY... WOULD YOU QUIT DRINKING IF YOU SAW THIS?

UH...OH... THIS COULD BE YOU!

HYDROFOIL

After flipping his hydrofoil, Jesus quickly leaves the scene before his Father finds out!

CLASSROOM FUN

Kids Are Quick____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... ;'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

--

Shalom/Salaam/Pax!
Rowland Croucher

SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, MOSTLY TRITE!

"A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!' His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, 'I do know!' 'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?' 'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk. 'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

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'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?' A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!'
said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many car s
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, the Comforter is coming.'

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. 'Here's a copy of the service,'
he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances. During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.' At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!

--

More... Church Bulletin Bloopers

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/ (20,000 articles 4000 humor)

Blogs - http://rowlandsblogs.blogspot.com/

Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

Funny Jokes and Pics - http://funnyjokesnpics.blogspot.com/