AUSSIE BUSH ETIQUETTE

*In General:*

    1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
    2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 
    3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

    *Dining Out:*

    1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    *Entertaining in Your Home:*

    1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
    2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    *Personal Hygiene:*

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
    3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    *Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:*

    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
    2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

    *Weddings:*

    1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cumber-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
    3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    *Driving Etiquette:*

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
    2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the  right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

IRISH MILLIONAIRE

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. 

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. 

Everything is riding on this question..... will you go for it?" 

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" 

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? 
                         
                        a) Sparrow

                        b) Thrush,

                        c) Magpie,

                        d) Cuckoo?" 

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, 'So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin." 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 

"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... It's a cuckoo." 

"Are you sure?" 

"I'm  sure." 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit cuckoo as my answer." 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. 

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" 

"Because he lives in a clock!"

IS THIS THE BEST WAY FOR SOMEONE LIKE THIS TO DRESS?

'GRANDPA, GRANDPA...!'

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

THE WIERDEST PHOBIA...

Symptoms of Anatidaephobia can include:

* A Dry Mouth
* Gasping or Shortness of Breath
* Muscle Tension
* Overall Trembling
* Hyperventilation
* Feeling Out of Control
* Feeling Trapped and Unable to Escape
* Overwhelming Feeling of Impending Disaster

What is it, you ask? Fear of being watched by a duck!.
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