Monday, July 9, 2007


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. ~

Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.

Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.

Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.

Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.

Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap.

Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W.C. Fields (this was paraphrased!)

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will
avoid you.

Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty; but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go

Billy Crystal

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