THE MOM SONG

MEN'S AND WOMEN'S BRAINS

ANTIDEPRESSANTS

My wife's doctor wanted to wean her off antidepressants. 'What would happen if you stopped taking them?' he asked.

'To me? Nothing,' she said. 'But all of a sudden my husband becomes a real jerk.'

THE FISHMONGER

A customer at the Tesco's fresh fish counter marvelled at the fishmonger's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Fishmonger, what makes you so brainy?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," the fishmonger replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. "Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only £2 a piece," he says

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " said the fishmonger. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey you," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for £2 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for a £1. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" said the Fishmonger. "You're more intelligent already."

SPEEDING: WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE

ONE WISH

A man was walking along a Californian beach one day, and he hears a voice. He's puzzled and startled as he can't figure out where it's coming from, so he says, "Is that you God??!" To his amazement he hears a reply, "Yes, my son, it is I, Almighty God"

God continues... "I have been watching you, my son. You are a good man and a fine Christian, so I've decided to grant you one wish". So the man thinks for a while, then says.. "Well, you know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii for my holidays, but I can't afford the airfare for the whole family, so do you think maybe you could build a bridge to Hawaii so I can just load up the station wagon and we can all drive accross?".

Well God is a bit shocked by this and replies.. " A bridge to Hawaii!!? Do you have any idea of the logistics involved in a project like that!! the amount of concrete and steel..! the depth of the pylons..! the length of it! look, I know I'm God, and I can do anything, but when I said a wish, I was thinking more along the lines of something less materialistic, like personal development, character building, relationships, that sort of thing.."

So the man thinks for a while.. "Hmmm.. ok well, I'll tell you what God.. I love my wife, and we get along just fine, but I've never really understood women. I want to know what makes them tick. I want to know how to get in touch with my feminine side, so I can understand women.. to be able to relate to them.. why they say the things that they do.. why they feel the way they do.. to be able to laugh when they laugh, and cry when they cry.. to understand why they get mad, when I don't think I've done anyting wrong, so I won't upset them... to be as one.. I really want to understand women!"

Suddenly there is silence.. Then finally God answers..
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"So did you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

ILLITERATE?

BAPTIST SERMON

As a progressive Baptist, I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I see something like this!

Rowland Croucher

HALLELUJAH CHORUS: NUNS WITH SIGNS