THE WIERDEST PHOBIA...

Symptoms of Anatidaephobia can include:

* A Dry Mouth
* Gasping or Shortness of Breath
* Muscle Tension
* Overall Trembling
* Hyperventilation
* Feeling Out of Control
* Feeling Trapped and Unable to Escape
* Overwhelming Feeling of Impending Disaster

What is it, you ask? Fear of being watched by a duck!.
More... http://tinyurl.com/yk6edqo

NECK EXERCISES FOR COMPUTER ADDICTS

VACATION

ABBOTT & COSTELLO & COMPUTERS

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'......

BEACH BALL GOAL

Darren Bent of Sunderland watches as his shot goes between Glen Johnson and Pepe Reina of Liverpool and in to the goal off a beach ball, during the English Premier League match at the Stadium of Light on October 17, 2009.

ANYONE HERE FROM MINNESOTA?

HOPE

Down the road from No One Gets Out Alive Presbyterian, around the corner from Whatever Wesleyan, and across the road from Our Lady of Perpetual Superiority...

TEAMWORK

LET US BAN FOX HUNTING!

G'DAY FROM THE LANDDOWNUNDER!

HEY PASTOR

SIGN ON CHURCH NOTICE-BOARD

WHO'S ON FIRST?

CALL CENTRE CONVERSATIONS

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

GOLF STORIES

Golf Stories


A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

-----------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

----------- ------- ------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

----------------------------- -

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

BALLOON MISSILES

THE ULTIMATE IN GETTING ATTENTION WHEN DRIVING!

Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate...............


Step 1. Create missile-shaped balloons
Step 2. Tie balloons to car.
Step 3. Drive like a bat out of a hell!
Step 4. Watch people freak out!!!!

FUNNY COMMERCIAL

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2026208/very_funny_commercial/

HAPPY EASTER!

CHURCH SIGN

THREE-DAY PASS

See

http://digedag.di.ohost.de/fun/vehicles/slides/tank+driving+exercise.html

HAVE A LAUGH WITH DONALD DUCK!

YOUR TIME IS COMING!

SPEEDY AUTUMN/FALL

GOT A FEW THINGS TO DO TODAY!

INCREDIBLE TALENT!

Terry Fator:

DOH!

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ A Christmas sign outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

~ A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering.

~ A farmer is a man who is outstanding in his field.

~ A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your
shine.

~ A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 10 kids but doesn't really care.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

~ A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "Alright, but we're not going to get much done."

~ A person's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

~ A rock store was closed by the police. They were taking too much for granite.

~ A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class as a weapon of math disruption.

~ A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large.

~ A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

~ A three-year-old to his father: "Is a reindeer a horse with a TV antenna on his head?"

~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."

~ Be yourself...who else is better qualified?

~ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

~ Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

~ Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

~ Develop "the velvet hammer" by learning to say hard things in a soft way.

~ Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

~ Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.

~ Disney World: A people-trap operated by a mouse.

~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

~ Do those same "Slow Children at Play" grow up to be the "Slow Men at Work"?

~ Does fuzzy logic tickle?

~ Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

~ Does your train of thought have a caboose?

~ Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

~ Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

~ Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.

~ Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.

~ Don't learn safety rules simply by accident.

~ Don't play stupid with me. I always win.

~ Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

~ Don't take life so seriously...it's not permanent.

~ Don't worry what people think of you. They seldom do...

~ Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve.

~ Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.

~ Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.

~ Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

~ Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

~ Everyone is on this low-fat craze now. The Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.

~ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

~ First things first! But not necessarily in that order.

~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

~ Fools rush in...and get all the best seats.

~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

~ For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.

~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

~ Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

~ Give so much time to the improvement of yourself you have no time to
criticize others.

~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

~ How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

~ I saw that TV show "50 Things To Do Before You Die." I would have thought the obvious one was "shout for help."

~ I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

~ I was always taught, "You become what you eat." So I only eat rich foods. I'm still waiting...

~ I wonder how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make me gain 5 lbs ... ?!

~ If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.

~ If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

~ If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

~ If I vow to avoid poison ivy, am I making a rash promise?

~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

~ If you are not content with what you have, you'll never be content with what you want.

~ If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

~ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

~ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's our Count that votes.

~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

~ It is in the desert of Sinai that you find the mountain of God.

~ Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.

~ Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

~ Never confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.

~ No matter how far you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

~ Nobody talks so consistently about God as those who insist that there is no God.

~ Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

~ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

~ Q: Why is one side of the V geese make always shorter than the other? A: There are fewer geese in it. Duh.

~ Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are.

~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

~ Sign in Produce Dept: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll!

~ Success comes in cans; failure comes in can'ts.

~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

~ The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

~ The cynic and the optimist both think they are observing reality.

~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

~ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

~ The more you have, the less likely it is to be enough.

~ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

~ The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

~ These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

~ This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.

~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

~ Trouble is inevitable, misery is optional.

~ Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a-head."

~ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

~ What flies and goes "OH OH OH!"? Santa flying backwards.

~ What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

~ When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

~ When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

~ When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.

~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Where there is no wonder there is no worship.

~ Why do the Alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

~ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

~ Why is a person that handles your money called a "broker"?

~ Woman to stock boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No ma'am, they're dead"

~ Women who behave rarely make history.

~ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

BIBLE/CHRISTIAN FUNNIES

A SHAMEFUL EVICTION

HISTORY LESSON - 44 U.S. PRESIDENTS

A TRIBUTE TO MOTHERS!

MY DARLING HUSBAND

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park , and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

PACHELBEL RANT

This performance was viewed 6 million times last time I checked!

VARIOUS IMAGES TO MAKE ONE THINK!

SANTA TRAVELS BY PLANE

SMILE!

(If I can figure out how to make this larger, it depicts two people who grow to be like each other as they grow older: sent to me via Facebook, on our 49th wedding anniversary!)

2008 Darwin Awards: do you laugh or cry?

2008 Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further
ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the
window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope's; Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle.

He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by
two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of
animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes
before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground
where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to
evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of
those freak accidents that proves... 'S___ happens'.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL...
--

I have been informed by those knowledgeable re Darwin awards, that this is an old list.

See here for the 2008 version.

The winner there:

The Balloon Priest
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil)

In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his comfortable Sears lawn chair, packed a picnic and a , and cut the tether. But instead of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined lift of 45 huge helium balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the "flight."

In homage to Larry's aerial adventure, a Catholic priest recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.

Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!

Reader rHart says, "The term 'Double Darwin' rolls trippingly off the tongue."

Note from Darwin: "A hot air balloon is maneuvered by altering altitude. The wind direction changes, generally toward the right, as one ascends in the northern hemisphere. A skillful pilot uses altitude to shift the downwind track. (airborneballoons.co.uk) By comparison, a mass of individual balloons is completely at the mercy of the wind."

Happy New Year!
Rowland Croucher
More humour here