~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~ A Christmas sign outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
~ A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering.
~ A farmer is a man who is outstanding in his field.
~ A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your
~ A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 10 kids but doesn't really care.
~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
~ A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "Alright, but we're not going to get much done."
~ A person's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
~ A rock store was closed by the police. They were taking too much for granite.
~ A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class as a weapon of math disruption.
~ A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large.
~ A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
~ A three-year-old to his father: "Is a reindeer a horse with a TV antenna on his head?"
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."
~ Be yourself...who else is better qualified?
~ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
~ Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
~ Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
~ Develop "the velvet hammer" by learning to say hard things in a soft way.
~ Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
~ Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.
~ Disney World: A people-trap operated by a mouse.
~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
~ Do those same "Slow Children at Play" grow up to be the "Slow Men at Work"?
~ Does fuzzy logic tickle?
~ Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
~ Does your train of thought have a caboose?
~ Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
~ Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
~ Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.
~ Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.
~ Don't learn safety rules simply by accident.
~ Don't play stupid with me. I always win.
~ Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
~ Don't take life so seriously...it's not permanent.
~ Don't worry what people think of you. They seldom do...
~ Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve.
~ Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.
~ Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.
~ Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
~ Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
~ Everyone is on this low-fat craze now. The Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.
~ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
~ First things first! But not necessarily in that order.
~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
~ Fools rush in...and get all the best seats.
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
~ For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.
~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
~ Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
~ Give so much time to the improvement of yourself you have no time to
~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
~ How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.
~ I saw that TV show "50 Things To Do Before You Die." I would have thought the obvious one was "shout for help."
~ I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
~ I was always taught, "You become what you eat." So I only eat rich foods. I'm still waiting...
~ I wonder how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make me gain 5 lbs ... ?!
~ If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
~ If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
~ If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
~ If I vow to avoid poison ivy, am I making a rash promise?
~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
~ If you are not content with what you have, you'll never be content with what you want.
~ If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
~ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
~ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's our Count that votes.
~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
~ It is in the desert of Sinai that you find the mountain of God.
~ Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.
~ Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
~ Never confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.
~ No matter how far you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
~ Nobody talks so consistently about God as those who insist that there is no God.
~ Pick your friends, but not to pieces.
~ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
~ Q: Why is one side of the V geese make always shorter than the other? A: There are fewer geese in it. Duh.
~ Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are.
~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
~ Sign in Produce Dept: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll!
~ Success comes in cans; failure comes in can'ts.
~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
~ The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
~ The cynic and the optimist both think they are observing reality.
~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
~ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
~ The more you have, the less likely it is to be enough.
~ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
~ The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
~ These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
~ This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.
~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
~ Trouble is inevitable, misery is optional.
~ Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a-head."
~ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.
~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
~ What flies and goes "OH OH OH!"? Santa flying backwards.
~ What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
~ When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
~ When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
~ When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
~ Where there is no wonder there is no worship.
~ Why do the Alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
~ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
~ Why is a person that handles your money called a "broker"?
~ Woman to stock boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No ma'am, they're dead"
~ Women who behave rarely make history.
~ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher
Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/