Thursday, February 12, 2009

DOH!

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ A Christmas sign outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

~ A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering.

~ A farmer is a man who is outstanding in his field.

~ A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your
shine.

~ A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 10 kids but doesn't really care.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

~ A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "Alright, but we're not going to get much done."

~ A person's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

~ A rock store was closed by the police. They were taking too much for granite.

~ A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class as a weapon of math disruption.

~ A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large.

~ A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

~ A three-year-old to his father: "Is a reindeer a horse with a TV antenna on his head?"

~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."

~ Be yourself...who else is better qualified?

~ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

~ Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

~ Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

~ Develop "the velvet hammer" by learning to say hard things in a soft way.

~ Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

~ Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.

~ Disney World: A people-trap operated by a mouse.

~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

~ Do those same "Slow Children at Play" grow up to be the "Slow Men at Work"?

~ Does fuzzy logic tickle?

~ Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

~ Does your train of thought have a caboose?

~ Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

~ Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

~ Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.

~ Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.

~ Don't learn safety rules simply by accident.

~ Don't play stupid with me. I always win.

~ Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

~ Don't take life so seriously...it's not permanent.

~ Don't worry what people think of you. They seldom do...

~ Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve.

~ Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.

~ Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.

~ Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

~ Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

~ Everyone is on this low-fat craze now. The Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.

~ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

~ First things first! But not necessarily in that order.

~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

~ Fools rush in...and get all the best seats.

~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

~ For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.

~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

~ Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

~ Give so much time to the improvement of yourself you have no time to
criticize others.

~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

~ How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

~ I saw that TV show "50 Things To Do Before You Die." I would have thought the obvious one was "shout for help."

~ I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

~ I was always taught, "You become what you eat." So I only eat rich foods. I'm still waiting...

~ I wonder how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make me gain 5 lbs ... ?!

~ If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.

~ If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

~ If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

~ If I vow to avoid poison ivy, am I making a rash promise?

~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

~ If you are not content with what you have, you'll never be content with what you want.

~ If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

~ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

~ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's our Count that votes.

~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

~ It is in the desert of Sinai that you find the mountain of God.

~ Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.

~ Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

~ Never confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.

~ No matter how far you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

~ Nobody talks so consistently about God as those who insist that there is no God.

~ Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

~ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

~ Q: Why is one side of the V geese make always shorter than the other? A: There are fewer geese in it. Duh.

~ Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are.

~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

~ Sign in Produce Dept: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll!

~ Success comes in cans; failure comes in can'ts.

~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

~ The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

~ The cynic and the optimist both think they are observing reality.

~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

~ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

~ The more you have, the less likely it is to be enough.

~ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

~ The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

~ These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

~ This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.

~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

~ Trouble is inevitable, misery is optional.

~ Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a-head."

~ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

~ What flies and goes "OH OH OH!"? Santa flying backwards.

~ What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

~ When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

~ When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

~ When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.

~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Where there is no wonder there is no worship.

~ Why do the Alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

~ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

~ Why is a person that handles your money called a "broker"?

~ Woman to stock boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No ma'am, they're dead"

~ Women who behave rarely make history.

~ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

1 comment:

they call him Tim said...

What a great list--very punny. I had to read them to my wife and I'll have to pass them on to my father-in-law. Thanks.